FIND YOUR RACKET
COMPARE MODELS
Hello, my little Thai curry prawns! How’s life treating you padix lot at the moment?
.
I imagine the best French padix are still doing their ‘temporary meadow’ — their version of a pre-season — while we talented folk are doing the real thing. Which is handy, because today I have the pleasure of writing to you about: How do you know your padel level?
.
As you’ve gathered, we’ve taken the best of the bunch to help you work out where you stand and see clearly that, one way or another, you’re rubbish — just to varying degrees.
You’ve all seen that benchmark chart, of course, produced by the biggest French clubs. It runs from 1 to 10 and supposedly helps you choose your matches wisely, according to the great, the one and only, Padel Magazine.
.
.
The reality is rather different... After all, how could you possibly think you aren’t level 2 when level 1 only requires an interest in the rules? As everyone knows, my little stuffed mushrooms, when you turn up somewhere to try a new sport, you haven’t looked into it beforehand. 🤦♂️
Does the self-styled elite who came up with this chart think we’re complete mugs? I’d say so.
.
Then there’s the problem with level 5. Like 95% of new players, you’ve fallen in love with padel, so you play at least once a week. And you remember that level 5 players are supposed to play at least once a week. You’re over the moon — but what happened to that bit just below about defending off two walls? No, you’re still playing at level 3. Another flaw in the chart.
.
Finally, there’s the level 7–10 crowd. Go figure: the padel elite. One day, some bloke decided on WhatsApp that a level 7 player has mastered just as much as a level 10. And the padix loves that category, so he comes to you nearly every week asking why he’s still in the 4–6 group when he’s just bought himself a Wilson Bela Pro for 350 quid to absolutely smash them. A classic, really.
No, gentlemen, forget that chart. I’m going to give you something clearer to use as a guide when organising your future matches, with: The Padix Scale.
Nine levels for the average player, and one goal: reach level 10 and join the greats!
.
Levels 1–2: The Tennis Player
Always turns up with his bag and his tennis balls.
Convinced he knows the rules, which is why he only ever brings one other person to a match.
Thinks €6 for a tin of balls Head Padel Pro that’s pushing it, so you might as well buy some Tretorn balls for €8.
Never sets foot in the changing rooms or the bar.
.
Level 3: The Sunday Player
The champion’s outfit, perfectly matched to his top racket (like the one below, for example).
Never uses the glass because ‘there’s no point’.
Never play without your Siux vibration dampener It gives you control for those dodgy volleys.
One match = one keg.
.
Level 4: The Regular
Has decided he’s left-side player without knowing why.
Starts entering P25s and realises that taking part is what matters.
Has the smash of a ten-year-old despite the power of his racket (like the one below, for example).
Always makes sure he looks handsome coming out of the changing rooms. You never know, he might get lucky.
.
Level 5: The Nice Guy
Accepts every club match invitation and any tournament partner.
Only plays neutral shots so he doesn’t have to take sides.
Can play on the left or the right, but prefers the middle so he doesn’t upset anyone
Only drinks shandies.
.
Level 6: The Big-Head
Has utter contempt for lower-level players but loves playing with them.
Got through one tour in a P500 with a lucky mishit on match point and talks about it 24/7.
Has mastered every shot in padel. Or so he thinks.
Loves having someone buy him a drink, but it had better be at least a pint — he deserves it.
.
Level 7: The Ambassador
Only talks to his own kind, because as far as he’s concerned, he is padel.
In peak shape, best friends with seeds and all for going gluten-free (he doesn’t know why, but it’s fashionable).
Loves broadcasting his life on social media. He’s sponsored by major local businesses with two employees, and even wears his sponsor’s gear to bed. #cheapskate
The Spaniards think he’s ‘top, top’. They’ve realised he’ll always be rubbish, but 20k a year is 20k a year.
.
Level 8: The Padix
Has Bela’s touch and Carlos’s physique.
Hits one par 3 a year but insists on playing on the left.
Loves winding people up after losing 6–0.
Has all the elegance of Chicandier the moment he walks into the bar.
There you go: now you have a real idea of what you’re worth with a racket in your hand. I know the truth hurts, but you’ll see — once you reach level 8, it’s a blast.
.
Ladies, I haven’t forgotten you. You’re all brighter than the sun: perfection, elegance, understated class...
.
Levels 9–10 (feel free to contact me through the esprit padel shop form; I’m a bit of a Jean-Claude Dusse in this field)
My little sausage rolls, I wish you some great matches, hope you soon get back to sharing moments of sheer brilliance and, above all, take some proper thrashings — with your heads held high, of course.
Can’t wait to see you at the bar again (I haven’t got time for you on court — I’m above your level). Until then, I’ll be back soon with another offbeat topic, if Joffrey the ‘butcher’ lets me...
.
Charles Alexandre, a first-tour amateur in the Lyon area
